Milwaukee Gangs to Set up Al-Qaeda-like Training Camps

The city’s gangs are implementing new training methods, and their main inspiration will be the Al-Qaeda training camps, such as those used by Osama Bin Laden. Local gang leaders, who agreed to speak anonymously for this article, cite a number of recent foul-ups as their reason for this measure.

In late September, a number of gang members shot at a rival gang member’s “crib” and accidentally shot one of their own in the shootout. This would be an unacceptable loss in any military action, especially since the house was a stationary target located in front of all of the gunmen. While some may see the death of a known criminal as poetic justice, gang leaders are not interested in poetry, only results. “All those mutha******* had to do was come up side by side instead of gettin all up in front of each other,” one gang member noted.

Another unfortunate side-effect of poor training is shooting innocent bystanders instead of the rival gang members who are being targeted. Sometimes this is a result of poor planning or faulty information. Often, gang members will see a rival enter a home and assume that home belongs to someone in the rival gang, or they may look up rival gang members in the phone book and engage in gunfire at a house that has been bought by someone else since the book was issued. “We need to know who we shootin at and have some better aim when we shootin at them,” concluded one gang leader.

The training camps will teach prospective gang members how to use Milwaukee’s grid pattern and house numbers to find the correct address. Trainees will also learn how to use the internet to access updated address information. “The best thing you can do when some cats come at you is collect yo ass and think about what’s next, not just get in yo ride and blast they crib. Cause someone baby sister always home.” Training camps will also teach simple shootout techniques, like spacing and using the sun to one’s advantage, as well as police-evasion methods.

Future gang members will also be issued more appropriate weapons for given situations. “You ain’t no sniper when you gots a sawed-off, but some dumb-asses think they is cause they saw some cop movie like that once.” Some of the gangs said they would be investing in rifles with scopes for more accurate drive-bys. “I knew this cracker in high school who said he could kill a deer at 500 yards. This one dude from another gang only stay about 300 yards from me. I don’t gotta be no mathmagician to figure that out.”