Medical College of Wisconsin will not use Dogs

Decision Seen as Victory for Animal Rights Activists, Dogs

The Medical College of Wisconsin, under increasing pressure from animal rights organizations, has rescinded its decision to use dogs in its animal lab. Instead, the college will use cats, horses, monkeys, and parrots as its main resource for animal testing. “Dog people are very organized,” said a spokesperson for the Medical College. The intention is to maintain the policy of testing domesticated animals that people love while not having to deal with public relations problems caused by dog owners.

While people might become upset about the thought of Seabiscuit or Garfield being used for live lab work, a mere 2 million people nationwide own horses, and cat owners tend to be more prone to eating ice cream and watching “Grey’s Anatomy” than being active in politics. Compare this to the whopping 44 million households that own dogs and can’t imagine their little puppies being sliced open and hacked apart in the name of science. Asked why the Medical College does not use pigs or goats in its lab instead of America’s favorite pets, officials said that testing is more meaningful if done on animals we love. “We can’t do a human-like test on an amoeba,” said the doctor. “Amoeba’s can’t yelp out in pain or have sad puppy-dog eyes, pleading to be delivered from a fate worse than death. In addition, pigs and goats are seen as food, and when medical students slice up food, they feel little remorse. But we’re confident students can still feel horrible about what they’re doing even if we can’t use dogs. I mean, did you ever see Project X with Matthew Broderick? Monkeys are practically people, but luckily not too many people own them, so we’re safe using them in our labs.”

Students will get practice cutting into annoying people who constantly complain through the lab’s use of parrots. Said one Medical College instructor: “Sure, anatomically parrots are not similar to humans, but when you teach them to say ‘Whhok, my leg hurts’ over and over again, it’s good practice dealing with the rage doctors can feel towards annoying patients.” The reason for using horses, said officials, is that many students training to become doctors come from wealthy families of doctors who tend to own such things as horses and Ferraris, so they too can feel sad about killing something.

Other doctors at the facility said that they would be glad to release the various pit-bulls and other unwanted dogs back onto the streets from whence they were collected. “Hey, we treat dog bites at the hospital, so that’s just added business for us,” one doctor quipped. “It’s not like we were killing Lassie or Benji, just Kujo and Hooch. Maybe when state legislators get off their asses and pass us a death-or-dissection penalty for murderers, we’ll get us some real specimens.” Real Wisconsin News contacted state legislators and found that no such bill is being considered, yet.

Mayfair, Wauwatosa to Offer Bus Vouchers

In a response to ever-escalating violence at Mayfair Mall in Wauwatosa, city officials and mall management have worked together to create a new bus voucher system that will encourage riders of the Milwaukee County Transit System to frequent other malls located along major routes.

"We welcome all people in our mall," said one mall representative, "but we’d like to diversify our customer base and free our money-spending patrons from having the living daylights scared out of them, so we’re offering these vouchers that allow bus riders to ride the bus anywhere but here at a deep discount."

The vouchers are good for $.25 rides on routes that travel to other malls in Metropolitan Milwaukee, mostly from the central city. These routes include the 10 and the 76, which travel to Brookfield Square, Bayshore, and Southridge. “We think that some of our patrons do not realize that Bayshore Mall has recently been renovated, and we’re sure they’ll appreciate the pseudo-downtown created there. And everybody loves Brookfield Square,” said the representative. He added that South 76th Street has recently undergone major renovations, and Southridge has always been a very nice mall.

The vouchers will be passed out at MPS schools, as well as (ironically perhaps) voucher schools, as well as at MPS basketball games. Funding from the voucher program will come from mall store owners, mall management, and the city of Wauwatosa. Wauwatosa has said it would use money earmarked for riot-training of its police force to help pay for the vouchers.

If the program is able to decrease crime at the mall, the vouchers may be extended to pay for charter buses to the planned mall in Oconomowoc, as well as to the Johnson’s Creek Outlet Mall. When asked if race played any role in the decision to offer vouchers, officials said that vouchers offer choice, and that’s what will help all malls—the choice to go to any mall on a bus, especially if it’s not Mayfair.