MPS Schools Better Reflect Criminal Justice System in New Budget

Milwaukee Public Schools will begin its scaling down of actual education in its schools in order to better reproduce the criminal justice system its students are preparing themselves for. The latest budget has job losses in all areas except for social workers, psychologists, safety assistants, and nurses. Teachers will be teaching more students for more hours with less help, but the plan is for the psychologists and social workers to convince students to behave better. If that doesn’t work, of course, the safety assistants are specially trained to subdue students without the use of plastic handcuffs, pepper spray, or knowledge of martial arts by saying things like, “Don’t you make me get up out this desk!” If the safety assistants are useless, the nurses can offer ice packs for black eyes.

The goal of hiring more people in the health and human services fields rather than education is simple: no one is getting an education, so at least MPS wants to give students a familiar start to a life of crime. Said an MPS spokeswoman, “Our students get into a lot of trouble and they also fail a lot of tests. We decided that trying to teach them how not to get into trouble was actually more important than teaching them how to do well on tests, because the only tests most of these kids will be taking after high school involve only positive or negative results.”

Some disagree with the plan to cut spending for regular classroom teachers and aides, as many elementary school teachers are purportedly teaching entire days straight with no relief from aides or music, gym, or art classes, and 35 children to teach. Jane Dewey, an elementary school teacher, said, “Most parents can’t handle one or two children, and I’m expected to teach 35 all day long while we hire more security, social workers, and psychologists to tell me the kids are misbehaving. I can pretty much look around the room and figure that one out, and I can find out their parents don’t give a rip when two of the 35 come in for conferences. Voila—no social workers or psychologists needed for that one.”

A positive result of hiring staff that is also represented in the criminal justice system is that if students do get into trouble as adults, they will be prepared for a life in prison. “Of course we don’t wish jail time on any of our kids,” said an MPS psychologist, “but we do feel they will certainly perform better in prison than students from other districts because of all the practice we offer them. This is potentially huge, as months if not years can be shaved off a sentence because of good behavior.” A number of administrators at central office are very excited about the possibility of MPS students excelling over students from other districts, even if it is during incarceration. The use of plastic handcuffs, though recently voted down, will likely come up again, as well as a proposal to add gates with bars at various places in the halls and in some classrooms. Orange uniforms are on the agenda in the near future, as well, as MPS looks forward to a day when people won’t be able to tell the difference between Waupun Prison and Washington High.

Michael McGee Sr. Grieves for Charlie Sykes

Everyone deals with tragedy differently, and Michael McGee Sr. has demonstrated that in his effort to console Charlie Sykes on the death of his mother, Katherine Sykes. “Mother Sykes, she dead,” said McGee, implying that he too was grieving for his own ‘mother,’ who must be very proud of her son if she is living. McGee goes on to comfort using religion: “To me it's the vengeance of God.” Yes, we all must answer to God eventually, and Mr. McGee calls our attention to that fact. “I ain't got no tears,” McGee said, obviously too stunned to cry. We’ve all been there.

“Matter of fact a woman that would have a fool like that deserve whatever is coming her.” McGee gives Mrs. Sykes a send-off to heaven, reminding us all that we get what we deserve after all is said and done. “She raised a sure enough idiot,” continued McGee. True or not, this is an example of McGee trying to deal with the pain, blaming those closest to him. “My instincts say Charlie Sykes killed his momma,” added McGee, going down the road many siblings take upon the death of a loved one.

Even some of McGee’s listeners were a bit surprised by his comments about Mrs. Sykes’ death, but like Don Imus, McGee is expected to be a controversial radio personality, and one way to acquire a dozen or so new listeners is to call someone a murderer. Or a nappy-headed ho. McGee is likely also trying to get Sykes to make a mistake in judgment and get himself fired by retaliating, possibly because WNOV has expressed interest in a Sykes and McGee in the Morning show. Radio personalities such as Sykes and McGee rely on saying things other people only think in order to force people to listen, and though nobody else even thought this one, McGee was using his creative license to set the stage for interesting talk radio, and that would be an accomplishment.

Men, Help Bring an Air of Respectability to Milwaukee: Work for AirTran

Special advertising section

When AirTran finally closes the deal for Midwest Airlines, it will be searching for employees who are able to work in a fast-paced, competitive environment. AirTran officials said potential employees are encouraged to joke around a bit, like when a supervisor dons a white hood and claims to be in the KKK. Men who work for the company can be assured that if they make advances on a female and she refuses, a bit of good-natured kicking to her posterior is completely acceptable. Men might also enjoy the perks of being able to simulate sex with female employees and passing nude photos around the workplace. Men can be assured that they will have a voice in the company, always being allowed to ask female employees to take pictures of their breasts.

If a male employee happens to get caught making sweet love to some airport floosie on his supervisor’s desk, he can rest assured that he will receive high-fives all around and no annoying reprimands. All told, a man’s wildest work fantasy can come true if he works for AirTran. The right man can proposition mothers and daughters who work for the company and surf for porn while at his terminal. Apply today! Our benefits package is right up front!

Ladies may also be interested in a high-flying career in entertaining male co-workers, with absolutely no room for promotion or complaint, akin to being married. Please send photo layout to AirTran.
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Young People Dispute Mayfair Rules, Scare Passers-by

A large number of mostly African-American youths gathered across the street from Mayfair Mall recently in order to protest the new rules at the mall, and to scare anyone who ventured too close to their “gang.” The mall has vowed to keep youngsters out of the mall because of increased crime when they are allowed in, but the protesters have deemed the rules as unnecessary. “What the mall needs to do is hire folks from the community to help control the children,” said one youth counselor. “Those kids trust us more than some cracka-ass security guard.”

Some of the youth held signs that read “Being young is not a crime,” while others made aggressive gestures with their hands at cars that drove by. At one point, a protester yelled, “Yeah, go into the mall with your mama!” at an SUV that was turning into the mall parking lot. After nearly an hour of protesting, a small contingent began a rap-battle, wherein youngsters lamented their not being allowed to congregate in the mall: “Yeah, yeah, I said the man got me down, the man got me down/ he think I be all clownin around/ like they gotsta mace me/ when I’s shoppin at Macy’s/ lookin fo my gat, lookin fo my gat/ Mr. Officer don’t know where it at/ so don’t mean-mug me, don’t gimme no smack/ or I’ll cap yo ass outside Janie and Jack./ And now it’s time to let us in, bitch/ Gotta get me some Abercrombie and Fitch.”

When the cameras from the local news outlets showed up, the youths who were gathered around the rap battlers all ran furiously towards the cameras and started jumping up and down behind one reporter. Leaders from such groups as the Urban Underground and the Running Rebels conducted interviews with local news reporters. When asked by Real Wisconsin News if they had any association with the Digital Underground or the Confederate Army, they seemed confused, and restated their talking points, namely that if the youth are not allowed in Mayfair, they will have no choice but to hang out on the streets and commit crimes. “Back when I was in high school,” said one leader, “I was able to hang out at Capitol Court, and then also at Northridge. We just want these young people to have the same opportunities we had back then.”

Wauwatosa Begins New Era in Bubbler Labeling

Along with its controversial ban on smoking in all public buildings, Wauwatosa will soon implement further guides as to who can do what where. The recent labeling of certain bubblers at Wauwatosa West High School was the first in a series of moves that will help guide its residents on how to behave.

Two bubblers sitting side by side were labeled “White” on one and “Colored” on the other, allowing students to know which one was for which purpose. The “White” bubbler has been deemed the one for spitting out chewing tobacco into, while the “Colored” bubbler is to be used for cooling students off on hot days. Another bubbler in the school that is all metal and has a push-bar in the front will be labeled “Retard” and meant for people who cannot twist handles. A fourth bubbler, labeled “Teachers,” is motion-sensor activated and meant for lazy staff members. A gold and jewel-encrusted water cooler with water imported from France in the main office reads “Administration.”

Similar labeling of devices and facilities will begin throughout the city. The tennis courts at Hart Park will have a sign displaying, “Household income over $100,000,” while the football field there will display a sign that reads, “GPA under 3.0.” Our Redeemer Lutheran Church and School has created a sign that reads, “Heaven-bound Lutherans only.” Mo’s Irish Pub plans on a “Parking for Irish people only” sign for their crowded parking lot. Many local gas stations will also post “Supporters of Terrorism” signs on their pumps.
Some critics of the new signage policies in Wauwatosa see it as an overextension of the new rules being implemented against smoking, as well as at Mayfair Mall to help control crime. Youngsters skipping classes from Wauwatosa West are frustrated with new rules and signs that cripple their ability to shoplift and intimidate old ladies. These teens are not allowed into the mall without the supervision of an adult, which some call “ageism” and others call “intelligent.” While business and public places may benefit from the new rules, one can’t help but wonder how well the new Culver’s marquee that reads “Fatties Welcome” will go over.

Shorewood High School Fight Proves Schools Need Change

Poor Fighting Style a Sign of Inadequate Training

Two students who ‘took it outside’ at Shorewood high school really should have left it in the lunchroom, because the fight was a demonstration of ridiculous fighting styles and poor sportsmanship. If this is not addressed at local high schools immediately, our nation’s youth will never learn how to conduct themselves appropriately. The videotape of the fight shows two students who apparently have some score to settle, perchance the white youngster received his ungainly haircut from the black child’s mother. Or maybe someone was mean-mugging someone’s bitch. Really, the reason for the fight is irrelevant, as was the result, though it does make for humorous video.

The trash-talking leading up to the fight is amateur at best. No mama jokes. No real egging-on. Just a “get it on, get it on” and a “swing white boy, swing” chant yelled by one student. The white student holds up his fists to protect his chest, leaving his body and face open to any shots. A young lady decides to act as referee, which is simply unnecessary in a fight of this nature. A ‘second’ appears for each combatant at some point, as well as a few more ‘shorties,’ while most of the crowd stays nearer to the school building.

When the white boy finally does swing, he seems to throw an underhanded right, not an uppercut or a jab per se, just an honest-to-God underhanded punch, thrown like he is a junior bowler, and, of course, leaving his entire body open to a counter-punch. Of course, he receives no quick counter that could have ended the fight. Rather, the black student grabs him by the head and throws a few right crosses as they begin to roll around. The white boy peppers the black boy with kidney shots akin to the love-taps my wife gives me when I snore too loudly, and the two youngsters roll around a bit, obviously distracted by their inadequate loose-fitting fighting attire.

At some point, as the fight is getting nowhere, two of the shorties decide to kick the white boy. Well, deserved, I’d say, as he threw the first ‘punch’ and now wants to hold on like it’s a slow dance. The white boy is likely not injured by any of the girls hitting him, except for maybe his pride, but that pride is fairly messed up by the black kid’s slap-punches to his face.

The best action of the fight takes place as the white boy tries to flee and actually is able to flip the black boy over as he gives chase. This leads to overhand rights thrown at one another and lots of shirt-grabbing. The punches are very slow and timed like a Michael Richards joke. The white boy eventually tumbles back to the ground and tries a ‘kip-up,’ but fails at that too. Then someone turns on the police lights and everyone scatters like cockroaches along your kitchen baseboards.

Are we teaching our young men to fight like this in schools today? Improper stance, inefficient offense, non-existent defense, females allowed to join in, lethargic effort. You can blame wrestling on TV or too many video games, but the fact of the matter is that these kids couldn’t go into a nursing home and win against a World War II vet. It’s not like you get little video game paddles to control fighting in real life, sonny-boy. Our youth need to learn how to jab to keep their opponents honest. They need to learn how to throw combinations, body-shots, and the occasional uppercut. And by all means, they need to learn how to hit with both hands, and not just hold and hit. Sure, this might look fun on TV, and we can all laugh at the two clowns from Shorewood who fight like fruitcakes, but do you think the Chinese are teaching their kids to fight like this? If our country’s parents don’t have the time to teach their kids even basic fight techniques, then our schools must step in and stress the importance of being able to do something with your hands.

21 Arrested in Protest of Army Recruiting Station to Join Fight in Iraq

Twenty-one protesters were arrested outside of an Army recruiting center on Oakland Avenue, and they have all decided to join the Army. Apparently, the techniques used were seen as so innovative that the Army offered the protesters a chance to use their abilities for the good of the war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan. Sgt. Lawrence Steel of the US Army said, “They used their advantage to their advantage--just the kind of thing we like to see in the Army. And their methods were unorthodox, which means they carry the element of surprise.”

Apparently, the protesters threw paint and smoke bombs as they approached the recruiting center, a maneuver likely meant to disguise their numbers. Sgt. Steel confirms that this is the first time he has heard of thrown paint as a terror technique. “The approach was made in multiple columns, with smoke and paint disguising their moves,” recounted Steel. “The ski masks were a nice touch because we were not able to identify them. And the coup de grâce was the human waste thrown through our window. Nothing says ‘back off’ like someone’s crap being thrown at you. And the fact that they were carrying torches...the psychological effect of them getting medieval on us was simply ingenious. It was like the local peasants attacking Frankenstein's castle."

Military officials say the protesters will be employed as a crack force used to infiltrate neighborhoods in Baghdad where uniformed soldiers face constant gunfire. The protesters will be sent in with smoke bombs, stink bombs, brass knuckles, pet monkeys, gallons of paint, megaphones, torches, and lots of human waste in order to defeat terrorist factions. “The protesters operated a lot like the terrorists we see overseas,” admitted Steel, “and we think their lack of organization, lack of purpose, and lack of sense will really help them confuse the enemy. Anyhow, it’s worth a shot, since, off the record, not much else is working.”

Press Release From Mark Belling

Popular daytime radio news entertainment personality Mark Belling has decided to leave his job of objectively informing the masses for a career in partisan politics and greed, in order to save the once-noble teaching profession.

“Belling has applied for a job at Waukesha West High School as an English teacher to replace a retiring teacher active in the union. Belling hopes to acquire a role in the union himself, possibly on the negotiating team, which should excite current teachers, since Belling says, "I'm smarter than all of my enemies," and his enemies include greed, waste, and pansy-ass progressive ideals.
Mr. Belling’s bachelor’s degree in Mass Comm and no experience will allow him to start his teaching career with a lucrative lazy-educator salary. Teaching methods courses and upper-level degrees are not necessary to teach kids the right way to think.

Of his teaching philosophy, Mr. Belling says, "My subject matter is the world, and there are no areas which I won't get into." He also does not plan on using any of the books currently in the English curriculum because they are objectionable. Students will also not read newspapers in Mr. Belling’s class because of their bias, so the classes will mostly read Belling’s writing, and write their own scathing articles with little or no research and only a superior tone as support. When asked about a thematic topic to his classes, Belling said, “Anger will carry us through his first semester. We’ll work on spelling, too.”

Belling also has outlined how he can help the teacher union: “I will make the union stronger by ensuring teachers can get fired for being bad teachers and rewarded for getting kids to score higher on tests. And we’ll be more respected like the private school teachers because we’ll shut our mouths and work more hours. And summer vacation is over! We’re going to work now. Most teachers can’t DO anything, so they teach, but I can do lots of things, and if I choose to teach, it’ll be because I really care about more than the fat paycheck and outrageous benefits. I care about making people think what’s right.”

Southridge Becoming Crime-Ridden

Mayfair not Only Mall Attracting Criminals

Southridge has joined Mayfair as another mall in the area having to deal with serious criminal activity. Hardcore gamblers have moved in and are breaking laws by playing games of chance in back room gambling dens, similar to those in Chicago clubs run by mob bosses like Al Capone. Recently, Real Wisconsin News sent an undercover reporter to a dimly lit basement in the mall to garner enough evidence to call in Greendale police. What that reporter found was a great menace: elderly women hooked on gambling and eating inexpensive dinners. Some of the women had shifty eyes hidden behind thick glasses. There was a hint of baked goods in the stale basement air, and the spine-tingling sound of candy wrappers could be heard throughout the room. One lady, obviously addicted to gambling and butterscotch-flavored candy, yelled “Bingo!” at some point, and she received a prize in a small box—a trinket meant to pull her deeper and deeper into the seedy underworld of Boston Store Bingo Night.

Walkers were parked next to some of the tables, poised for an escape if the police were to bust the gambling up, and a red strobe light was mounted ominously above the number-reader. At one point, a recording device disguised as a hearing aide made a loud sound, and some of the “girls” looked accusingly at its owner. Many of the women’s hands appeared to be shaking, obviously fearful that their illegal entertainment might be found out at any moment. A man in a suit entered the room at some point and nodded at a few of the ladies, a signal perhaps that a “take” was on. One lady, who appeared to be dozing off, started suddenly and seemed quite frazzled, a clear sign that illicit drug use pervades the clients of this establishment. Near the end of the gambling, two ladies helped a third get up and walked her over to the restroom area, possibly resulting in some sort of shake down. As the gambling parlor closed for the night, malevolent laughter could be heard throughout the room as the women had once again broken the law and satisfied their habitual yearnings.

Medical College of Wisconsin will not use Dogs

Decision Seen as Victory for Animal Rights Activists, Dogs

The Medical College of Wisconsin, under increasing pressure from animal rights organizations, has rescinded its decision to use dogs in its animal lab. Instead, the college will use cats, horses, monkeys, and parrots as its main resource for animal testing. “Dog people are very organized,” said a spokesperson for the Medical College. The intention is to maintain the policy of testing domesticated animals that people love while not having to deal with public relations problems caused by dog owners.

While people might become upset about the thought of Seabiscuit or Garfield being used for live lab work, a mere 2 million people nationwide own horses, and cat owners tend to be more prone to eating ice cream and watching “Grey’s Anatomy” than being active in politics. Compare this to the whopping 44 million households that own dogs and can’t imagine their little puppies being sliced open and hacked apart in the name of science. Asked why the Medical College does not use pigs or goats in its lab instead of America’s favorite pets, officials said that testing is more meaningful if done on animals we love. “We can’t do a human-like test on an amoeba,” said the doctor. “Amoeba’s can’t yelp out in pain or have sad puppy-dog eyes, pleading to be delivered from a fate worse than death. In addition, pigs and goats are seen as food, and when medical students slice up food, they feel little remorse. But we’re confident students can still feel horrible about what they’re doing even if we can’t use dogs. I mean, did you ever see Project X with Matthew Broderick? Monkeys are practically people, but luckily not too many people own them, so we’re safe using them in our labs.”

Students will get practice cutting into annoying people who constantly complain through the lab’s use of parrots. Said one Medical College instructor: “Sure, anatomically parrots are not similar to humans, but when you teach them to say ‘Whhok, my leg hurts’ over and over again, it’s good practice dealing with the rage doctors can feel towards annoying patients.” The reason for using horses, said officials, is that many students training to become doctors come from wealthy families of doctors who tend to own such things as horses and Ferraris, so they too can feel sad about killing something.

Other doctors at the facility said that they would be glad to release the various pit-bulls and other unwanted dogs back onto the streets from whence they were collected. “Hey, we treat dog bites at the hospital, so that’s just added business for us,” one doctor quipped. “It’s not like we were killing Lassie or Benji, just Kujo and Hooch. Maybe when state legislators get off their asses and pass us a death-or-dissection penalty for murderers, we’ll get us some real specimens.” Real Wisconsin News contacted state legislators and found that no such bill is being considered, yet.

Mayfair, Wauwatosa to Offer Bus Vouchers

In a response to ever-escalating violence at Mayfair Mall in Wauwatosa, city officials and mall management have worked together to create a new bus voucher system that will encourage riders of the Milwaukee County Transit System to frequent other malls located along major routes.

"We welcome all people in our mall," said one mall representative, "but we’d like to diversify our customer base and free our money-spending patrons from having the living daylights scared out of them, so we’re offering these vouchers that allow bus riders to ride the bus anywhere but here at a deep discount."

The vouchers are good for $.25 rides on routes that travel to other malls in Metropolitan Milwaukee, mostly from the central city. These routes include the 10 and the 76, which travel to Brookfield Square, Bayshore, and Southridge. “We think that some of our patrons do not realize that Bayshore Mall has recently been renovated, and we’re sure they’ll appreciate the pseudo-downtown created there. And everybody loves Brookfield Square,” said the representative. He added that South 76th Street has recently undergone major renovations, and Southridge has always been a very nice mall.

The vouchers will be passed out at MPS schools, as well as (ironically perhaps) voucher schools, as well as at MPS basketball games. Funding from the voucher program will come from mall store owners, mall management, and the city of Wauwatosa. Wauwatosa has said it would use money earmarked for riot-training of its police force to help pay for the vouchers.

If the program is able to decrease crime at the mall, the vouchers may be extended to pay for charter buses to the planned mall in Oconomowoc, as well as to the Johnson’s Creek Outlet Mall. When asked if race played any role in the decision to offer vouchers, officials said that vouchers offer choice, and that’s what will help all malls—the choice to go to any mall on a bus, especially if it’s not Mayfair.

Alderman McGee Expands Mission

By Andy Amos

Milwaukee 6th District Alderman Michael Jackson McGee Jr. took time off from fighting a local recall effort to fortify his position as a leading activist for black rights. Speaking at a hastily called urgent press conference, Alderman McGee took great exception to the characterization of black ice being a danger to the community. “All this talk on the radio and on television about black ice being a danger to drivers in the community is another example of the racist community in which we live. I know that spin-outs are a concern to all in the city. But laying blame at the door of black ice is outrageous. People need to know and accept that black ice is not a menace. Black ice is the victim here and will now have to deal with this stigma for life.”

Describing what it would take to fix the problems of black ice, McGee carried on: “To fix the problems of black ice, we as leaders, need to make sure that the police officers who respond to spin-outs have the right backgrounds and are properly trained. We shouldn’t worry so much about what problems black ice causes, but the causes of black ice making problems. For example, I hold John Malan responsible for the current episode of black ice.”

When asked about the local recall effort against him, McGee responded, “I want my brothers and sisters to know what is important to me. So, I am taking time that I really need to fight off this unwanted recall effort, to let all my peeps know, that no matter what is going on with me, if you are black, I am there for you. Black ice, black-eyed peas, black limousines, black hookers, black coffee, black Venezuelan oil, black panthers, whatever man. If it’s black, them’s my constituents and I care.” When asked to explain himself further, Mr. McGee unrolled a poster that read “Black Ice!” and retreated into his office.

Milwaukee Gangs to Set up Al-Qaeda-like Training Camps

The city’s gangs are implementing new training methods, and their main inspiration will be the Al-Qaeda training camps, such as those used by Osama Bin Laden. Local gang leaders, who agreed to speak anonymously for this article, cite a number of recent foul-ups as their reason for this measure.

In late September, a number of gang members shot at a rival gang member’s “crib” and accidentally shot one of their own in the shootout. This would be an unacceptable loss in any military action, especially since the house was a stationary target located in front of all of the gunmen. While some may see the death of a known criminal as poetic justice, gang leaders are not interested in poetry, only results. “All those mutha******* had to do was come up side by side instead of gettin all up in front of each other,” one gang member noted.

Another unfortunate side-effect of poor training is shooting innocent bystanders instead of the rival gang members who are being targeted. Sometimes this is a result of poor planning or faulty information. Often, gang members will see a rival enter a home and assume that home belongs to someone in the rival gang, or they may look up rival gang members in the phone book and engage in gunfire at a house that has been bought by someone else since the book was issued. “We need to know who we shootin at and have some better aim when we shootin at them,” concluded one gang leader.

The training camps will teach prospective gang members how to use Milwaukee’s grid pattern and house numbers to find the correct address. Trainees will also learn how to use the internet to access updated address information. “The best thing you can do when some cats come at you is collect yo ass and think about what’s next, not just get in yo ride and blast they crib. Cause someone baby sister always home.” Training camps will also teach simple shootout techniques, like spacing and using the sun to one’s advantage, as well as police-evasion methods.

Future gang members will also be issued more appropriate weapons for given situations. “You ain’t no sniper when you gots a sawed-off, but some dumb-asses think they is cause they saw some cop movie like that once.” Some of the gangs said they would be investing in rifles with scopes for more accurate drive-bys. “I knew this cracker in high school who said he could kill a deer at 500 yards. This one dude from another gang only stay about 300 yards from me. I don’t gotta be no mathmagician to figure that out.”

Senator Herb Kohl Finally Admits: “I’m Straight”

Videotaped Confession Trounces Rumors

While he may look great in an expensive suit, Herb Kohl finally admitted Tuesday that he is, in fact, straight. This revelation may come as a surprise to the homosexual community and the Shepherd Express, but actual footage of the senator admitting his orientation can be seen as well in some older Milwaukee Bucks video footage obtained by Real Wisconsin News. In the footage, Big Dog Glenn Robinson asks Senator Kohl if he’d like a sip of his Kool Aide, and Senator Kohl clearly states, “No thanks, Dog. I’m straight.” Big Dog seems to answer with, “I gotcha, big man.”

Senator Kohl has placed himself firmly back in the closet with the “I’m straight” admission, and has never made any statements to negate this evidence. In fact, back in 1993, Senator Kohl proclaimed that he was neither a gay man nor a lesbian, which only leaves straight man or straight woman as his options.

Rumors about Kohl's flirtations are also baseless. Men and women alike were turned on by Don Nelson yelling at players and ruggedly conducting a tractor around the state, so we cannot come to any conclusions based on Kohl's rumored crush. There simply is no body of evidence to suggest that Senator Herb Kohl does not get completely turned on by Energee, the Milwaukee Bucks dance team, just like the rest of us, men and women alike.

Honey Creek Beach to Open in West Allis

Bradford Beach will soon have to compete with a new beach with similar levels of human feces in the water. The city of West Allis will open the Honey Creek Beach that will replace the failing county-run swimming pools, and allow citizens to bask in the peace and solitude found only near sewage-tainted waters. A recent study conducted by the Milwaukee Metropolitan Sewerage District has found that an unexpected level of human feces routinely flows through the Honey Creek, likely resulting from bad sewer pipes, but the levels are not unlike those seen at Milwaukee’s favorite summer lakefront beach, so West Allis officials plan on going ahead with their plans to create the Honey Creek Beach in State Fair Park.

Currently, the creek runs through underground culverts under State Fair Park, but the plan is to dam the water in the fair’s parking lot, and create an aesthetically pleasing concrete beach around the new lagoon. Some local residents have suggested the lagoon may be more of a cesspool, but they were told that to limit human feces in the creek may cost up to $12,000 per household to add new sewer pipes, and little protest has been voiced since.

A press release from the city of West Allis states, “The city wants to create a new destination for State Fair Park, since the ice rink and expo center have been complete disasters. The only thing on the grounds that has made any money is the RV park, and this will provide beachfront property for those people living out of their RVs.” In fact, one city planner has suggested a Honey Creek Beach Trailer Park for the remainder of State Fair’s only parking lot.

Neighborhood citizens who charge up to $25 tax-free to park State Fair patrons in their front lawns are excited about the loss of more parking spaces on State Fair grounds. Former state senator Tom Reynolds welcomes the decreased parking lot size so that he can collect more money for parking at his residence on 94th and Schlinger. “I may have lost my bid for re-election,” he stated in an interview, “but I can make big money if there’s no parking lot at State Fair. I’ll apply any money I make to my upcoming bid for the Presidency.”

While not all West Allis residents are aspiring as high as Reynolds, the new beach is seen as a good way to keep kids off the streets and close money-draining local pools. One Reynolds caliber idea is to relocate the Cool Waters slides from Greenfield Park to the new beach and rent wetsuits to beachgoers so that they can avoid side effects such as dysentery from the water itself. Excitement is growing in West Allis for this project because it is a land-locked inner-ring suburb with no natural beaches of its own. Local businesses see the project as an opportunity to tout West Allis as a leading community in the region, and move beyond the blue-collar bar-on-every-streetcorner stereotype that has plagued the city since its inception in the early 1900s.

Bucher Refers Jessica McBride To DA

By Pompous Assitude

Former Waukesha County District Attorney and Wisconsin Attorney General race loser Paul Bucher recently referred wife and WTMJ-AM 620 conservative talk show host Jessica McBride to new Milwaukee DA John Chisholm for investigation and possible charges. In documents sought but not found by the Real Wisconsin News investigative reporting unit Bucher alleges that McBride suffers from severe on-air lapses of originality, creativity, intelligence and insight, as well as, repetitive cases of bumble-itis and “I just think” isms.

Bucher isn’t recommending any particular charges, but thinks there might be something to be done in the name of better programming. Said Bucher, “You know I love Jessica, so this is hard to bring up at home, but I think she’s a little lacking on-air. At home she’s a brilliant orator, and I know she is drilling deeply into stories, but her show just doesn’t seem to have the climax that slot deserves. I’m hoping that an independent investigation will shed some light on the proper remedies.”

John Chisholm isn’t sure what to do with this case. “Under (recently retired Milwaukee DA) McCann’s oversight we might have charged Jessica. Non-violent, non-repeat offenders were Mike’s specialty. But I don’t know. I think I’d like to redirect County resources towards actual crimes, not just offenses to our senses. She is pretty, so maybe I’ll just suggest that she be on television where she wouldn’t have to speak as much.”

Real Wisconsin News legal consultant John Marshall (yes, THE John Marshall) through a medium said that if this case succeeds, it will necessarily become a precedence and a number of local radio news-entertainment personalities would be at risk because of their general lack of both news and entertainment value. However, he pointed out, the other news-entertainment personalities are not very handsome, and therefore might do better in print media or as wait-staff at one of those insult-your-customer restaurants.

Be Careful What You Wish For: Community Columnists Really Suck

by Concerned Citizens Command Professionalism

You ever see Monty Python's Life of Brian? Remember the part when the Jewish people are allowed to set one prisoner free and they keep exploiting Pontious Pilate's speech impediment? Welease Woger... Welease Wodewick. Maybe we all should have learned a lesson from the Jews 2000 years ago--don't mess with the big guy or you might get burned, or at least be careful what you wish for. Case in point, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel's Community Columnist articles. People must have been clamoring to have more of a voice in the newspaper. Probably religious fanatics and hippies at first, and then the rest of the mainstream followed suit. "Sure, we'd love to hear what Joe Average from Niceneighborhood wants to say." Or, "Boy, those newspaper reporters sure are biased, so we should have an alternative voice." Let's keep in mind that newspaper reporters are all relatively poor yet have excellent educations, like teachers, museum curators, and prostitutes, so you should listen to what they have to say. But no, the people clamored for change, and what they got was what they should have expected. People trained in high school writing courses writing like they're still in high school about absolutely meaningless topics, with no insight (besides trivial personal experience) and never any factual evidence to back up claims. It's like the Journal Sentinel is printing the extended club-mix versions of the ridiculous letters to the editor they receive. Simplistic answers to complex questions--is that really what we want our most read local news source to be publishing? Many who work for the Journal Sentinel fought against the use of these columnists, and not just to save their crappy jobs, but because, like zookeepers, farmers, and short immigrants, they take pride in their work, no matter how little they make. I know you want some facts to back up my opinions on the community columnists, and I think Jim Brown's 11-21-06 piece of garbage about what we should be thankful for as an essay on how wonderful his own family is provides one painful example, especially when the beyond-cliche "Can't we all just get along" phrase was used at the end. Damn, he made me write that crap, too. Anyway, don't waste your valuable screwing-around-at-work time trying to find his article--just read the next one that comes out and decide for yourself. And you can disagree if you want to, but then you might as well stand in the public square, yelling, "Welease Wodewick!"

Double Police Sting Results in Confusion

The Milwaukee Police Department arranged a sting recently that resulted in an unfortunate incident with a Milwaukee County Sheriff’s deputy. The Milwaukee Police posted an internet ad that offered sexual services for money. The Sheriff’s deputy, acting on a tip, answered the ad in order to further investigate. Needing to gather more information, he went along with the undercover officer who was posing as a prostitute. A comedy of errors ensued, and now one Milwaukee County Sheriff’s deputy is suspended with pay in order to sort it all out. To see the ad, click here.

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel to be Written Entirely by Community Columnists

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel has announced that its entire news staff will be replaced by the community columnists it has been using in its editorial section because of the popularity of the concept. A press release indicated that readership numbers have increased since the pilot program of using real Milwaukee-area writers began. These writers use little or no research and have no ethical responsibility for what they write, but the readers have seen the articles as more interesting than the normal news.
The community columnists will continue to report on actual news events, but they will offer their take on the situation rather than ask people involved in the story. Credible sources like Fox News will be used for most of the Journal Sentinel’s national and international stories, unless a community columnist has recently traveled to one of the places mentioned in the news.
Journalism professors from local colleges held a sparsely-attended press conference to denounce the new method of reporting, but the Journal Sentinel defended its decision. The paper said they have a responsibility to their shareholders and advertisers to sell newspapers, not to accurately report the news, citing the television and radio “news” programs as examples of how news has changed over the years. If their readers want to read a blog by a high school freshman instead of an investigative report on the deep sewer project, then the blog wins, they affirmed. “This is a democratic nation,” one editor noted, “and as such, we want to give every uneducated hack a chance at writing for us. We’re just appealing to the lowest common denominator here anyhow. And that denominator is pretty low, so get ready for some interesting reporting.”
Community columnists are not expected to sit through long public policy hearings or sift through legal documents. Rather, they will ask someone else what happened and generate an opinion based on that information, just as most Americans do with local and national news entertainment as it is. “No one watches FOX News to learn anything new. Rather, they want their own convictions affirmed. We can provide that at the Journal Sentinel, as well.”
Editors will keep their jobs, mostly to edit grammatical errors, and fact checking will no longer be necessary. However, all of the current sections will still exist. The Cue section will be expanded to include more Hollywood gossip and photos. The Sports section will also be expanded, along with other popular sections, like letters to the editor, which will now only be accepted via email. Journalists are expected to move on to more lucrative public relations jobs in the corporate world, and they may very well write “articles” for the new Business section, which will allow business-generated content to be published as it is submitted, without the annoying “Special Advertising Section” tag. The plan, according to the newspaper, is to allow people to decide what is truth and what is propaganda throughout the paper.

Racial Bias in Real Estate

Column by Rev. Dr. Bling Bling Davis
Let us talk about the underhanded, understated, under-the-table problem of racial bias in selling homes. Have you seen this? I said, have you seen this? A white lady from a low-crime, highly-maintained white neighborhood in Milwaukee had the audacity coupled with the capacity to ask if a person looking to buy her house was black. Now, I'm sure she is a nice Christian white lady, but let me ask you, does the Bible say to love your neighbor only if he's white? Does the Bible say to not covet your neighbor's wife unless she's black? No my brother, and sister. The Bible says nothing about racial bias, because if it said racial bias was OK, then we'd all be free to do it with the blessing of God. But the Bible doesn't say racial bias is right. Not once. Not at all.
So when the Jews were fleeing Egypt and stepped into the Promised Land, did the old white ladies who lived there at the time refuse to sell their homes? NO! NO! NO! The hand of God came down and smote any old white ladies who refused to sell, and then even the neighbors sold, and then the Jews lived where they belonged.
We are looking for the justification of the nullification of a tribulation for this nation! Can I get an Amen? Thank you, Robert. And what we need to get for that poor black woman and the realtor who crusaded for her is vengeance. Vengeance in the form of a check from the realtors who would not sell. Vengeance in the form of a check from the old white lady. Vengeance in the form of a check from the government. For they fought the Pharisees and Sadducees of our time, with great pain and suffering, but they must also have great rewards, just as they will have in paradise.
What we need as a community is action. We need people to go out there and put offers on houses they can't afford and then sue the owners of those houses. Big houses and little houses. Brown houses and white houses. From Delafield to Delevan. From Menomonee Falls to Muskego. From Wales to Wauwatosa. Even River Hills, and all the hills and valleys will belong to us if we sue for them.
And when we win those houses in payment for seven hundred years of servitude and ingratitude, we will bring dark skin and harmony to the countryside. White folks all over this nation can move into our rickety 1920's homes with cold natural hardwood floors and useless built in china cabinets because we'll be in the Promised Land where our children will behave like little white children and our lawns will be neatly manicured, and no crime will follow us, and no housing market crash will follow us, and those Hmong sure as Hell best not follow us. Amen