Shorewood High School Fight Proves Schools Need Change

Poor Fighting Style a Sign of Inadequate Training

Two students who ‘took it outside’ at Shorewood high school really should have left it in the lunchroom, because the fight was a demonstration of ridiculous fighting styles and poor sportsmanship. If this is not addressed at local high schools immediately, our nation’s youth will never learn how to conduct themselves appropriately. The videotape of the fight shows two students who apparently have some score to settle, perchance the white youngster received his ungainly haircut from the black child’s mother. Or maybe someone was mean-mugging someone’s bitch. Really, the reason for the fight is irrelevant, as was the result, though it does make for humorous video.

The trash-talking leading up to the fight is amateur at best. No mama jokes. No real egging-on. Just a “get it on, get it on” and a “swing white boy, swing” chant yelled by one student. The white student holds up his fists to protect his chest, leaving his body and face open to any shots. A young lady decides to act as referee, which is simply unnecessary in a fight of this nature. A ‘second’ appears for each combatant at some point, as well as a few more ‘shorties,’ while most of the crowd stays nearer to the school building.

When the white boy finally does swing, he seems to throw an underhanded right, not an uppercut or a jab per se, just an honest-to-God underhanded punch, thrown like he is a junior bowler, and, of course, leaving his entire body open to a counter-punch. Of course, he receives no quick counter that could have ended the fight. Rather, the black student grabs him by the head and throws a few right crosses as they begin to roll around. The white boy peppers the black boy with kidney shots akin to the love-taps my wife gives me when I snore too loudly, and the two youngsters roll around a bit, obviously distracted by their inadequate loose-fitting fighting attire.

At some point, as the fight is getting nowhere, two of the shorties decide to kick the white boy. Well, deserved, I’d say, as he threw the first ‘punch’ and now wants to hold on like it’s a slow dance. The white boy is likely not injured by any of the girls hitting him, except for maybe his pride, but that pride is fairly messed up by the black kid’s slap-punches to his face.

The best action of the fight takes place as the white boy tries to flee and actually is able to flip the black boy over as he gives chase. This leads to overhand rights thrown at one another and lots of shirt-grabbing. The punches are very slow and timed like a Michael Richards joke. The white boy eventually tumbles back to the ground and tries a ‘kip-up,’ but fails at that too. Then someone turns on the police lights and everyone scatters like cockroaches along your kitchen baseboards.

Are we teaching our young men to fight like this in schools today? Improper stance, inefficient offense, non-existent defense, females allowed to join in, lethargic effort. You can blame wrestling on TV or too many video games, but the fact of the matter is that these kids couldn’t go into a nursing home and win against a World War II vet. It’s not like you get little video game paddles to control fighting in real life, sonny-boy. Our youth need to learn how to jab to keep their opponents honest. They need to learn how to throw combinations, body-shots, and the occasional uppercut. And by all means, they need to learn how to hit with both hands, and not just hold and hit. Sure, this might look fun on TV, and we can all laugh at the two clowns from Shorewood who fight like fruitcakes, but do you think the Chinese are teaching their kids to fight like this? If our country’s parents don’t have the time to teach their kids even basic fight techniques, then our schools must step in and stress the importance of being able to do something with your hands.

21 Arrested in Protest of Army Recruiting Station to Join Fight in Iraq

Twenty-one protesters were arrested outside of an Army recruiting center on Oakland Avenue, and they have all decided to join the Army. Apparently, the techniques used were seen as so innovative that the Army offered the protesters a chance to use their abilities for the good of the war on terror in Iraq and Afghanistan. Sgt. Lawrence Steel of the US Army said, “They used their advantage to their advantage--just the kind of thing we like to see in the Army. And their methods were unorthodox, which means they carry the element of surprise.”

Apparently, the protesters threw paint and smoke bombs as they approached the recruiting center, a maneuver likely meant to disguise their numbers. Sgt. Steel confirms that this is the first time he has heard of thrown paint as a terror technique. “The approach was made in multiple columns, with smoke and paint disguising their moves,” recounted Steel. “The ski masks were a nice touch because we were not able to identify them. And the coup de grâce was the human waste thrown through our window. Nothing says ‘back off’ like someone’s crap being thrown at you. And the fact that they were carrying torches...the psychological effect of them getting medieval on us was simply ingenious. It was like the local peasants attacking Frankenstein's castle."

Military officials say the protesters will be employed as a crack force used to infiltrate neighborhoods in Baghdad where uniformed soldiers face constant gunfire. The protesters will be sent in with smoke bombs, stink bombs, brass knuckles, pet monkeys, gallons of paint, megaphones, torches, and lots of human waste in order to defeat terrorist factions. “The protesters operated a lot like the terrorists we see overseas,” admitted Steel, “and we think their lack of organization, lack of purpose, and lack of sense will really help them confuse the enemy. Anyhow, it’s worth a shot, since, off the record, not much else is working.”

Press Release From Mark Belling

Popular daytime radio news entertainment personality Mark Belling has decided to leave his job of objectively informing the masses for a career in partisan politics and greed, in order to save the once-noble teaching profession.

“Belling has applied for a job at Waukesha West High School as an English teacher to replace a retiring teacher active in the union. Belling hopes to acquire a role in the union himself, possibly on the negotiating team, which should excite current teachers, since Belling says, "I'm smarter than all of my enemies," and his enemies include greed, waste, and pansy-ass progressive ideals.
Mr. Belling’s bachelor’s degree in Mass Comm and no experience will allow him to start his teaching career with a lucrative lazy-educator salary. Teaching methods courses and upper-level degrees are not necessary to teach kids the right way to think.

Of his teaching philosophy, Mr. Belling says, "My subject matter is the world, and there are no areas which I won't get into." He also does not plan on using any of the books currently in the English curriculum because they are objectionable. Students will also not read newspapers in Mr. Belling’s class because of their bias, so the classes will mostly read Belling’s writing, and write their own scathing articles with little or no research and only a superior tone as support. When asked about a thematic topic to his classes, Belling said, “Anger will carry us through his first semester. We’ll work on spelling, too.”

Belling also has outlined how he can help the teacher union: “I will make the union stronger by ensuring teachers can get fired for being bad teachers and rewarded for getting kids to score higher on tests. And we’ll be more respected like the private school teachers because we’ll shut our mouths and work more hours. And summer vacation is over! We’re going to work now. Most teachers can’t DO anything, so they teach, but I can do lots of things, and if I choose to teach, it’ll be because I really care about more than the fat paycheck and outrageous benefits. I care about making people think what’s right.”

Southridge Becoming Crime-Ridden

Mayfair not Only Mall Attracting Criminals

Southridge has joined Mayfair as another mall in the area having to deal with serious criminal activity. Hardcore gamblers have moved in and are breaking laws by playing games of chance in back room gambling dens, similar to those in Chicago clubs run by mob bosses like Al Capone. Recently, Real Wisconsin News sent an undercover reporter to a dimly lit basement in the mall to garner enough evidence to call in Greendale police. What that reporter found was a great menace: elderly women hooked on gambling and eating inexpensive dinners. Some of the women had shifty eyes hidden behind thick glasses. There was a hint of baked goods in the stale basement air, and the spine-tingling sound of candy wrappers could be heard throughout the room. One lady, obviously addicted to gambling and butterscotch-flavored candy, yelled “Bingo!” at some point, and she received a prize in a small box—a trinket meant to pull her deeper and deeper into the seedy underworld of Boston Store Bingo Night.

Walkers were parked next to some of the tables, poised for an escape if the police were to bust the gambling up, and a red strobe light was mounted ominously above the number-reader. At one point, a recording device disguised as a hearing aide made a loud sound, and some of the “girls” looked accusingly at its owner. Many of the women’s hands appeared to be shaking, obviously fearful that their illegal entertainment might be found out at any moment. A man in a suit entered the room at some point and nodded at a few of the ladies, a signal perhaps that a “take” was on. One lady, who appeared to be dozing off, started suddenly and seemed quite frazzled, a clear sign that illicit drug use pervades the clients of this establishment. Near the end of the gambling, two ladies helped a third get up and walked her over to the restroom area, possibly resulting in some sort of shake down. As the gambling parlor closed for the night, malevolent laughter could be heard throughout the room as the women had once again broken the law and satisfied their habitual yearnings.

Medical College of Wisconsin will not use Dogs

Decision Seen as Victory for Animal Rights Activists, Dogs

The Medical College of Wisconsin, under increasing pressure from animal rights organizations, has rescinded its decision to use dogs in its animal lab. Instead, the college will use cats, horses, monkeys, and parrots as its main resource for animal testing. “Dog people are very organized,” said a spokesperson for the Medical College. The intention is to maintain the policy of testing domesticated animals that people love while not having to deal with public relations problems caused by dog owners.

While people might become upset about the thought of Seabiscuit or Garfield being used for live lab work, a mere 2 million people nationwide own horses, and cat owners tend to be more prone to eating ice cream and watching “Grey’s Anatomy” than being active in politics. Compare this to the whopping 44 million households that own dogs and can’t imagine their little puppies being sliced open and hacked apart in the name of science. Asked why the Medical College does not use pigs or goats in its lab instead of America’s favorite pets, officials said that testing is more meaningful if done on animals we love. “We can’t do a human-like test on an amoeba,” said the doctor. “Amoeba’s can’t yelp out in pain or have sad puppy-dog eyes, pleading to be delivered from a fate worse than death. In addition, pigs and goats are seen as food, and when medical students slice up food, they feel little remorse. But we’re confident students can still feel horrible about what they’re doing even if we can’t use dogs. I mean, did you ever see Project X with Matthew Broderick? Monkeys are practically people, but luckily not too many people own them, so we’re safe using them in our labs.”

Students will get practice cutting into annoying people who constantly complain through the lab’s use of parrots. Said one Medical College instructor: “Sure, anatomically parrots are not similar to humans, but when you teach them to say ‘Whhok, my leg hurts’ over and over again, it’s good practice dealing with the rage doctors can feel towards annoying patients.” The reason for using horses, said officials, is that many students training to become doctors come from wealthy families of doctors who tend to own such things as horses and Ferraris, so they too can feel sad about killing something.

Other doctors at the facility said that they would be glad to release the various pit-bulls and other unwanted dogs back onto the streets from whence they were collected. “Hey, we treat dog bites at the hospital, so that’s just added business for us,” one doctor quipped. “It’s not like we were killing Lassie or Benji, just Kujo and Hooch. Maybe when state legislators get off their asses and pass us a death-or-dissection penalty for murderers, we’ll get us some real specimens.” Real Wisconsin News contacted state legislators and found that no such bill is being considered, yet.