Alderman McGee Expands Mission

By Andy Amos

Milwaukee 6th District Alderman Michael Jackson McGee Jr. took time off from fighting a local recall effort to fortify his position as a leading activist for black rights. Speaking at a hastily called urgent press conference, Alderman McGee took great exception to the characterization of black ice being a danger to the community. “All this talk on the radio and on television about black ice being a danger to drivers in the community is another example of the racist community in which we live. I know that spin-outs are a concern to all in the city. But laying blame at the door of black ice is outrageous. People need to know and accept that black ice is not a menace. Black ice is the victim here and will now have to deal with this stigma for life.”

Describing what it would take to fix the problems of black ice, McGee carried on: “To fix the problems of black ice, we as leaders, need to make sure that the police officers who respond to spin-outs have the right backgrounds and are properly trained. We shouldn’t worry so much about what problems black ice causes, but the causes of black ice making problems. For example, I hold John Malan responsible for the current episode of black ice.”

When asked about the local recall effort against him, McGee responded, “I want my brothers and sisters to know what is important to me. So, I am taking time that I really need to fight off this unwanted recall effort, to let all my peeps know, that no matter what is going on with me, if you are black, I am there for you. Black ice, black-eyed peas, black limousines, black hookers, black coffee, black Venezuelan oil, black panthers, whatever man. If it’s black, them’s my constituents and I care.” When asked to explain himself further, Mr. McGee unrolled a poster that read “Black Ice!” and retreated into his office.

Milwaukee Gangs to Set up Al-Qaeda-like Training Camps

The city’s gangs are implementing new training methods, and their main inspiration will be the Al-Qaeda training camps, such as those used by Osama Bin Laden. Local gang leaders, who agreed to speak anonymously for this article, cite a number of recent foul-ups as their reason for this measure.

In late September, a number of gang members shot at a rival gang member’s “crib” and accidentally shot one of their own in the shootout. This would be an unacceptable loss in any military action, especially since the house was a stationary target located in front of all of the gunmen. While some may see the death of a known criminal as poetic justice, gang leaders are not interested in poetry, only results. “All those mutha******* had to do was come up side by side instead of gettin all up in front of each other,” one gang member noted.

Another unfortunate side-effect of poor training is shooting innocent bystanders instead of the rival gang members who are being targeted. Sometimes this is a result of poor planning or faulty information. Often, gang members will see a rival enter a home and assume that home belongs to someone in the rival gang, or they may look up rival gang members in the phone book and engage in gunfire at a house that has been bought by someone else since the book was issued. “We need to know who we shootin at and have some better aim when we shootin at them,” concluded one gang leader.

The training camps will teach prospective gang members how to use Milwaukee’s grid pattern and house numbers to find the correct address. Trainees will also learn how to use the internet to access updated address information. “The best thing you can do when some cats come at you is collect yo ass and think about what’s next, not just get in yo ride and blast they crib. Cause someone baby sister always home.” Training camps will also teach simple shootout techniques, like spacing and using the sun to one’s advantage, as well as police-evasion methods.

Future gang members will also be issued more appropriate weapons for given situations. “You ain’t no sniper when you gots a sawed-off, but some dumb-asses think they is cause they saw some cop movie like that once.” Some of the gangs said they would be investing in rifles with scopes for more accurate drive-bys. “I knew this cracker in high school who said he could kill a deer at 500 yards. This one dude from another gang only stay about 300 yards from me. I don’t gotta be no mathmagician to figure that out.”

Senator Herb Kohl Finally Admits: “I’m Straight”

Videotaped Confession Trounces Rumors

While he may look great in an expensive suit, Herb Kohl finally admitted Tuesday that he is, in fact, straight. This revelation may come as a surprise to the homosexual community and the Shepherd Express, but actual footage of the senator admitting his orientation can be seen as well in some older Milwaukee Bucks video footage obtained by Real Wisconsin News. In the footage, Big Dog Glenn Robinson asks Senator Kohl if he’d like a sip of his Kool Aide, and Senator Kohl clearly states, “No thanks, Dog. I’m straight.” Big Dog seems to answer with, “I gotcha, big man.”

Senator Kohl has placed himself firmly back in the closet with the “I’m straight” admission, and has never made any statements to negate this evidence. In fact, back in 1993, Senator Kohl proclaimed that he was neither a gay man nor a lesbian, which only leaves straight man or straight woman as his options.

Rumors about Kohl's flirtations are also baseless. Men and women alike were turned on by Don Nelson yelling at players and ruggedly conducting a tractor around the state, so we cannot come to any conclusions based on Kohl's rumored crush. There simply is no body of evidence to suggest that Senator Herb Kohl does not get completely turned on by Energee, the Milwaukee Bucks dance team, just like the rest of us, men and women alike.

Honey Creek Beach to Open in West Allis

Bradford Beach will soon have to compete with a new beach with similar levels of human feces in the water. The city of West Allis will open the Honey Creek Beach that will replace the failing county-run swimming pools, and allow citizens to bask in the peace and solitude found only near sewage-tainted waters. A recent study conducted by the Milwaukee Metropolitan Sewerage District has found that an unexpected level of human feces routinely flows through the Honey Creek, likely resulting from bad sewer pipes, but the levels are not unlike those seen at Milwaukee’s favorite summer lakefront beach, so West Allis officials plan on going ahead with their plans to create the Honey Creek Beach in State Fair Park.

Currently, the creek runs through underground culverts under State Fair Park, but the plan is to dam the water in the fair’s parking lot, and create an aesthetically pleasing concrete beach around the new lagoon. Some local residents have suggested the lagoon may be more of a cesspool, but they were told that to limit human feces in the creek may cost up to $12,000 per household to add new sewer pipes, and little protest has been voiced since.

A press release from the city of West Allis states, “The city wants to create a new destination for State Fair Park, since the ice rink and expo center have been complete disasters. The only thing on the grounds that has made any money is the RV park, and this will provide beachfront property for those people living out of their RVs.” In fact, one city planner has suggested a Honey Creek Beach Trailer Park for the remainder of State Fair’s only parking lot.

Neighborhood citizens who charge up to $25 tax-free to park State Fair patrons in their front lawns are excited about the loss of more parking spaces on State Fair grounds. Former state senator Tom Reynolds welcomes the decreased parking lot size so that he can collect more money for parking at his residence on 94th and Schlinger. “I may have lost my bid for re-election,” he stated in an interview, “but I can make big money if there’s no parking lot at State Fair. I’ll apply any money I make to my upcoming bid for the Presidency.”

While not all West Allis residents are aspiring as high as Reynolds, the new beach is seen as a good way to keep kids off the streets and close money-draining local pools. One Reynolds caliber idea is to relocate the Cool Waters slides from Greenfield Park to the new beach and rent wetsuits to beachgoers so that they can avoid side effects such as dysentery from the water itself. Excitement is growing in West Allis for this project because it is a land-locked inner-ring suburb with no natural beaches of its own. Local businesses see the project as an opportunity to tout West Allis as a leading community in the region, and move beyond the blue-collar bar-on-every-streetcorner stereotype that has plagued the city since its inception in the early 1900s.

Bucher Refers Jessica McBride To DA

By Pompous Assitude

Former Waukesha County District Attorney and Wisconsin Attorney General race loser Paul Bucher recently referred wife and WTMJ-AM 620 conservative talk show host Jessica McBride to new Milwaukee DA John Chisholm for investigation and possible charges. In documents sought but not found by the Real Wisconsin News investigative reporting unit Bucher alleges that McBride suffers from severe on-air lapses of originality, creativity, intelligence and insight, as well as, repetitive cases of bumble-itis and “I just think” isms.

Bucher isn’t recommending any particular charges, but thinks there might be something to be done in the name of better programming. Said Bucher, “You know I love Jessica, so this is hard to bring up at home, but I think she’s a little lacking on-air. At home she’s a brilliant orator, and I know she is drilling deeply into stories, but her show just doesn’t seem to have the climax that slot deserves. I’m hoping that an independent investigation will shed some light on the proper remedies.”

John Chisholm isn’t sure what to do with this case. “Under (recently retired Milwaukee DA) McCann’s oversight we might have charged Jessica. Non-violent, non-repeat offenders were Mike’s specialty. But I don’t know. I think I’d like to redirect County resources towards actual crimes, not just offenses to our senses. She is pretty, so maybe I’ll just suggest that she be on television where she wouldn’t have to speak as much.”

Real Wisconsin News legal consultant John Marshall (yes, THE John Marshall) through a medium said that if this case succeeds, it will necessarily become a precedence and a number of local radio news-entertainment personalities would be at risk because of their general lack of both news and entertainment value. However, he pointed out, the other news-entertainment personalities are not very handsome, and therefore might do better in print media or as wait-staff at one of those insult-your-customer restaurants.

Be Careful What You Wish For: Community Columnists Really Suck

by Concerned Citizens Command Professionalism

You ever see Monty Python's Life of Brian? Remember the part when the Jewish people are allowed to set one prisoner free and they keep exploiting Pontious Pilate's speech impediment? Welease Woger... Welease Wodewick. Maybe we all should have learned a lesson from the Jews 2000 years ago--don't mess with the big guy or you might get burned, or at least be careful what you wish for. Case in point, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel's Community Columnist articles. People must have been clamoring to have more of a voice in the newspaper. Probably religious fanatics and hippies at first, and then the rest of the mainstream followed suit. "Sure, we'd love to hear what Joe Average from Niceneighborhood wants to say." Or, "Boy, those newspaper reporters sure are biased, so we should have an alternative voice." Let's keep in mind that newspaper reporters are all relatively poor yet have excellent educations, like teachers, museum curators, and prostitutes, so you should listen to what they have to say. But no, the people clamored for change, and what they got was what they should have expected. People trained in high school writing courses writing like they're still in high school about absolutely meaningless topics, with no insight (besides trivial personal experience) and never any factual evidence to back up claims. It's like the Journal Sentinel is printing the extended club-mix versions of the ridiculous letters to the editor they receive. Simplistic answers to complex questions--is that really what we want our most read local news source to be publishing? Many who work for the Journal Sentinel fought against the use of these columnists, and not just to save their crappy jobs, but because, like zookeepers, farmers, and short immigrants, they take pride in their work, no matter how little they make. I know you want some facts to back up my opinions on the community columnists, and I think Jim Brown's 11-21-06 piece of garbage about what we should be thankful for as an essay on how wonderful his own family is provides one painful example, especially when the beyond-cliche "Can't we all just get along" phrase was used at the end. Damn, he made me write that crap, too. Anyway, don't waste your valuable screwing-around-at-work time trying to find his article--just read the next one that comes out and decide for yourself. And you can disagree if you want to, but then you might as well stand in the public square, yelling, "Welease Wodewick!"

Double Police Sting Results in Confusion

The Milwaukee Police Department arranged a sting recently that resulted in an unfortunate incident with a Milwaukee County Sheriff’s deputy. The Milwaukee Police posted an internet ad that offered sexual services for money. The Sheriff’s deputy, acting on a tip, answered the ad in order to further investigate. Needing to gather more information, he went along with the undercover officer who was posing as a prostitute. A comedy of errors ensued, and now one Milwaukee County Sheriff’s deputy is suspended with pay in order to sort it all out. To see the ad, click here.

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel to be Written Entirely by Community Columnists

The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel has announced that its entire news staff will be replaced by the community columnists it has been using in its editorial section because of the popularity of the concept. A press release indicated that readership numbers have increased since the pilot program of using real Milwaukee-area writers began. These writers use little or no research and have no ethical responsibility for what they write, but the readers have seen the articles as more interesting than the normal news.
The community columnists will continue to report on actual news events, but they will offer their take on the situation rather than ask people involved in the story. Credible sources like Fox News will be used for most of the Journal Sentinel’s national and international stories, unless a community columnist has recently traveled to one of the places mentioned in the news.
Journalism professors from local colleges held a sparsely-attended press conference to denounce the new method of reporting, but the Journal Sentinel defended its decision. The paper said they have a responsibility to their shareholders and advertisers to sell newspapers, not to accurately report the news, citing the television and radio “news” programs as examples of how news has changed over the years. If their readers want to read a blog by a high school freshman instead of an investigative report on the deep sewer project, then the blog wins, they affirmed. “This is a democratic nation,” one editor noted, “and as such, we want to give every uneducated hack a chance at writing for us. We’re just appealing to the lowest common denominator here anyhow. And that denominator is pretty low, so get ready for some interesting reporting.”
Community columnists are not expected to sit through long public policy hearings or sift through legal documents. Rather, they will ask someone else what happened and generate an opinion based on that information, just as most Americans do with local and national news entertainment as it is. “No one watches FOX News to learn anything new. Rather, they want their own convictions affirmed. We can provide that at the Journal Sentinel, as well.”
Editors will keep their jobs, mostly to edit grammatical errors, and fact checking will no longer be necessary. However, all of the current sections will still exist. The Cue section will be expanded to include more Hollywood gossip and photos. The Sports section will also be expanded, along with other popular sections, like letters to the editor, which will now only be accepted via email. Journalists are expected to move on to more lucrative public relations jobs in the corporate world, and they may very well write “articles” for the new Business section, which will allow business-generated content to be published as it is submitted, without the annoying “Special Advertising Section” tag. The plan, according to the newspaper, is to allow people to decide what is truth and what is propaganda throughout the paper.

Racial Bias in Real Estate

Column by Rev. Dr. Bling Bling Davis
Let us talk about the underhanded, understated, under-the-table problem of racial bias in selling homes. Have you seen this? I said, have you seen this? A white lady from a low-crime, highly-maintained white neighborhood in Milwaukee had the audacity coupled with the capacity to ask if a person looking to buy her house was black. Now, I'm sure she is a nice Christian white lady, but let me ask you, does the Bible say to love your neighbor only if he's white? Does the Bible say to not covet your neighbor's wife unless she's black? No my brother, and sister. The Bible says nothing about racial bias, because if it said racial bias was OK, then we'd all be free to do it with the blessing of God. But the Bible doesn't say racial bias is right. Not once. Not at all.
So when the Jews were fleeing Egypt and stepped into the Promised Land, did the old white ladies who lived there at the time refuse to sell their homes? NO! NO! NO! The hand of God came down and smote any old white ladies who refused to sell, and then even the neighbors sold, and then the Jews lived where they belonged.
We are looking for the justification of the nullification of a tribulation for this nation! Can I get an Amen? Thank you, Robert. And what we need to get for that poor black woman and the realtor who crusaded for her is vengeance. Vengeance in the form of a check from the realtors who would not sell. Vengeance in the form of a check from the old white lady. Vengeance in the form of a check from the government. For they fought the Pharisees and Sadducees of our time, with great pain and suffering, but they must also have great rewards, just as they will have in paradise.
What we need as a community is action. We need people to go out there and put offers on houses they can't afford and then sue the owners of those houses. Big houses and little houses. Brown houses and white houses. From Delafield to Delevan. From Menomonee Falls to Muskego. From Wales to Wauwatosa. Even River Hills, and all the hills and valleys will belong to us if we sue for them.
And when we win those houses in payment for seven hundred years of servitude and ingratitude, we will bring dark skin and harmony to the countryside. White folks all over this nation can move into our rickety 1920's homes with cold natural hardwood floors and useless built in china cabinets because we'll be in the Promised Land where our children will behave like little white children and our lawns will be neatly manicured, and no crime will follow us, and no housing market crash will follow us, and those Hmong sure as Hell best not follow us. Amen